So as you may know, I only just found out that one of my friends on this site, Pauly-Kun, who went offline several months ago for her own reasons, passed away a few months ago. I found out about it from a comment on one of my other friends journals, and when I went to check and see to make sure I wasn't misinterpreting something I found out that it was indeed true. I went to cry it out a bit after finding out, and this has got me thinking about something that occasionally pops up from time to time, sometimes out of nowhere, other times when certain events happen. Certain events like the sister of one of my best friends and one of my dogs passing away last year, or the mother of one of my co-workers passing away not long ago.
To give a bit of context to my way of thinking, I identify as a nihilist; someone who believes that the universe and reality has no intrinsic meaning or value, and that the true nature of it is a series of random events. Not necessarily in the sense that I think that things like the afterlife or Gods couldn't ever exist, or that people are wrong for believing in those things, but that I just can't ever confirm it for myself so I don't let it heavily influence how I live my life now. Nor in the sense that because the universe has no inherent meaning or value that life is meaningless; meaning is something that only sentient creatures can apply to something, and just because it may not be 'the' meaning, doesn't make it any less valuable. Even if our perceptions on reality are based solely on chemical reactions in our brains, does that make it less meaningful? I don't think so. I'm actually more optimistic than pessimistic about life and I think it's absolutely worth it to keep living, but once again I feel that the nature of the universe is inherently chaotic and anything can happen in an instant with little warning; including death.
Death is absolutely something people don't like to think about happening to them, nor is it something they generally think about because it seems unlikely, and it does tend to be that way. But ultimately, humans and all other lifeforms can die, and it's not possible to completely remove any possibility of death before the end of a life expectancy, just reduce the chances to a degree. Death isn't something I necessarily like to think about myself; I think I've already mentioned this before and some people may have noticed, but whenever famous people pass away like Robin Williams, David Bowie or Carrie Fisher, I tend to not really say anything about it. I find it just as heartbreaking, but I don't really know what to say that hasn't already been said. In general I try to keep my life as positive as I can, I don't want to let negativity drag me down again like it's done in the past. But I think it's time I did address this now, since this is probably the saddest moment I've experienced all year.
The one thing I'm most afraid of when it comes to the internet, in particular following other people on social media and making friends, is the very real possibility that they may pass away and I never find out about it. Plenty of people I've followed before have seemingly disappeared from the internet, and most of the time I can't tell if they simply left or they just died. That kind of fear also includes my own possible and untimely death.
After my older brother committed suicide, I've come to have a very good understanding of what it's like to experience someone close to you, a loved one, pass away. That kind of feeling is one of the hardest things to go through, and along with them not being there anymore it's the a huge reason as to why I never like thinking about the people I know whether in real life or online dying. I also don't like to think about how my own death would affect other people; among many other things I'm the last remaining son of mother, and to make her and many other people so devastated by me dying absolutely terrifies me.
This all comes to the main point of my journal, and that's to discuss the event of what would actually happen if by some universal chaos I ended up dead. Apart from all the people in real life affected, I've also been thinking about how it would affect people online that know me, because over the years on this site I've definitely made some good friends and acquaintances. More specifically, the issue of them even knowing that I've passed away in the first place.
I'm not sure many people actually know my real name because I don't have it shown on my profile and it's only mentioned in some of my journals, and that's mainly because I don't want it linked to what I actually do online. There isn't a single person in real life that actually knows what I do on here, and that mainly comes from embarrassment and trying to explain something and why I do these things. There's also the fact that there are plenty of people that I follow that I wouldn't want people to know I do, or I end up being seen as a pervert. Some of those people focus on kinks that I don't have any interest in, but I still follow because whether it be out of respect or courtesy I find it hard to unfollow people for some reason; usually I end up following someone after seeing just one thing that I liked, look at their gallery to see the general quality and make sure they don't have shit-ass beliefs like being transphobic or something, then follow. I tend to only unfollow someone when something they do just really rubs me the wrong way or it's a series of small things that build up to it, but this is going way off topic. The point is, I try to keep my real life and my online life, particularly on DeviantArt, as separate as possible.
While this does reduce the chance that someone I know in real life looking at all my fanfic nonsense, it also runs the risk of making it near impossible for anyone online to know what's happened to me if something has happened. I imagine that people who do know me on here know me as someone that uploads very infrequently, in fact I've literally not posted any actual works at all this year so far. The idea that what's happened to me is uncertain and ambiguous feels horrible, and if for whatever reason I do meet an untimely demise, I feel like all the people who do know and care about me online deserve to know. That's why I'm sucking up my pride and posting my Facebook account link and email account on this site, and making my real name more visible. Sure it may not seem like a big deal, since I'm not linking my DA or Tumblr account or anything on Facebook and it's highly unlikely that someone will google search my name, let alone on DeviantArt, but I get anxious pretty easily over things that may embarrass me.
If there's no activity from me, whether it be posting works, journals or status updates or just commenting on something, in a month or two with no prior reason given as to why I wouldn't be active here, then you may want to check my Facebook account as there would likely be someone I know there mentioning something happening to me if something does happen. If it turns out I am really gone, then I would appreciate it if whoever found out would make it public on here what's happened. I'll be putting links to my Facebook and email accounts at the end of this journal, on my account and on my comments so they can be found easily, and once again I'm making my name more visible and if there's anything else I can think of that could help for this kind of situation then I'll put it in later (suggestions are also appreciated).
Thank you to anyone who has read to the end of this journal; I know it's incredibly wordy and goes off-topic, but I've said before, life is uncertain. There may not be another chance where I can say stuff like this. Take care everybody.
On Facebook I go by Kane Latcham, you'll know it's me on my about page when it says I study at Curtin University and live in Perth, Western Australia. The url is facebook.com/Kane.Latcham
My email account is email@example.com